Freud says I want to prove to myself I’m meant to be alone. He says I want to relive the boys following me home off the bus, the shaky crying in the locker room, discovering everyone had been mocking the sound of my voice and I hadn’t known. This is called “attachment theory”.įreud, in a similar vein, believes we attempt to recreate our pasts. How we form attachments to our primary caregiver(s) comes to directly impact how we act in romantic relationships. Some psychologists believe that all our adult mental problems are rooted in our childhoods and situational upbringings. I go home to my apple cider vinegar and South Park and don’t shower for weeks. We’re all wondering how it ends and lemme tell you the three magic words don’t make a celebrity cameo in a voice not my own. Now more than ever I’m aware of my motivations and their moral implications, how maybe I’m only saying I love you because I’m insecure and I want to- need to- hear it back.ĭo I love you because I love you or because society says this is the word I’m supposed to feel, this word so laden with nuance and expectation and gender rituals I don’t understand? Would I love you if I’d never heard of the concept before? And taking into consideration my penchant for always blurting the words first, trying to create my own movies and never hearing it back- the screen flicks to black. Sitting front row in Moral Philosophy fucked me up. I buy a pack of Camels as a dinner substitute. I drink two liters of water a day and say, airily, “Apple juice has so many goddamn calories”.
Marlboro light skin#
You can love someone but they’ll never forgive the compulsive skin ripping, the glitter pen lists, the tying and untying of shoelaces. Violet left me with copycat anorexia and a carnal knowledge that one day everyone leaves, unexpectedly. (Again, says everybody.) Not that’s it a competition (They all say.)įirst date etiquette: let’s compare grievances. Everyone says they are but my neuroses are different, mine are worse. As blatantly obvious, retroactively, as the market crashing or Donald Trump or my cat growing older and pissing on the wood floors and going blind and deaf and dying. It was mechanical, the cause and effect inevitable. I get it ain’t the biggest deal in the world, this type of relapse. The reasons don’t matter, I mean, they do matter, and I’m just saying that to try to lessen the blow.
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